maps

i think every non-monogamous person's experience is individual and unique - but we may share similarities in the way we inhabit our bodies and the spaces of our relationships with others

i feel like this project is all about personal experience, and that's what makes it really vulnerable and intimate for me. speaking openly about my feelings on this topic, as opposed to just speaking with close friends, is quite a daunting thing to do. not everyone will understand the project, or understand what polyamory is all about. in the process of sharing my experiences for this project, i'm also opening up for criticism - personal or professional

savanna - individual body map

honesty and truth is incredibly important in a non-monogamous relationship (and to the same extent, is also important in monogamous relationships)

without open, upfront and honest discussion - it doesn't work.

one of the most refreshing things i've found since exploring non-monogamy is how productive conversations can really be. whenever we are seeking comfort, or affection, or security, or anything from each other - we are given the space to ask for what we need and talk through anything that is bothering us. we can set boundaries without restricting the other person, and take ownership of our own emotions. this, for me, is like a breath of fresh air.

it feels like before this, i was missing something in the way i communicated with my partners. for me, i feel like in monogamy there are some topics that are forbidden. don't express any romantic, sexual or emotional feelings for other people - under any circumstance. it's a taboo subject to discuss this with your partner, but why should it be? surely, in a relationship where you are dedicating your time and energy purely to one other person, then you should be able to discuss these feelings for others and resolve them. perhaps there are some monogamous who have this relationship, but it's not something i ever experienced before i started exploring polyamory.

we have so much love to give -why limit ourselves?

Map of Existence - Poetry-ish textmap

My roots,
Are growing from nature.
The earth, my home, will teach me.
Structures with change, cycles and flow.

My sacrality,
Varies like fire.
Either hot or the light in darkness.
Bodies blending, opening doors.
Escaping to higher realms,
Of pleasure.

My solar plexus,
Shines light into my existence.
Protects me from darkness.
A gut-feeling shall not lie.
From light I grow.

My heart,
Is big, caring and free,
Goes where love resonates.
Accepting of cherish and cherishing.
Fill in mutual needs to maintain.
The existing of healthy love.

My throat,
My sound, expressing sensible truth.
Loud or silent, never violent.
Careful, aware of consequences,
By the power of voice.

My third eye,
Opened to see between duality,
Freed from judgement.
For life toned in greys,
Making sense with colour.

My crown,
Connecting me to the otherworldy.
Making me notice more,
Not only the materials of the earth.
Offering me synchronisity and knowledge,
From realms unimaginable.

S. C. van der Meij

L: Where did your interest in non-monogamy begin?

S: Well… I think, I have had a relationship for like five years and… it was one of the reasons that it didn’t work out in the end because I just liked some other people as well sometimes. I had feelings for multiple people at once… I didn’t know that was okay, or that it could be okay. But then I saw people that were doing that, having a relationship with multiple people, and I was like ‘oh my god’, I didn’t know this was a thing and now I can like… not feel crazy anymore! [laughs]

L: Yeah, I feel like I relate to that… a lot of the reason why my last relationship ended was to do with stuff like that as well. I guess… thinking I just like I needed my freedom and I just felt quite tied down. I guess the thing non-monogamy or polyamory is like… if you’re lacking something in one relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean it has to end because you could seek needs with someone else, and there’s not an issue with that. I couldn’t do that within monogamy and there wasn’t really any sort of compromise. But I guess really it’s something I’ve thought about for a longer time, even before my last relationship started. When I was seeing someone else I was thinking about it, like four years ago? And when that relationship ended I was thinking about pursuing polyamory or doing something like that but then I guess I just sort of… ended up back in a monogamous thing again.

S: But was it because of insecurity or because of not really knowing what the other person wanted, like was it communication thing or… why didn’t you pursue it?

L: Well when I met [my last partner]… I guess I don’t even know, I guess I just thought that these ideas I was having about polyamory were just sort of… they were in my head but I was just like ‘oh, I think I would be too jealous’ because like, that’s what everyone says to you all the time, ‘I’d be too jealous, I couldn’t do it’ and I thought like oh yeah, I probably would be too jealous and I sort of fell into it. Then, later in the relationship I had conversations with him about opening up the relationship and he wasn’t open to that so I guess that was sort of the start of me thinking seriously like… is what I want this monogamous thing, or do I really have this desire for something else? And I guess that was just one of the reasons why it didn’t really work out, and then I was like okay, I really need to actually explore this, at least you know, for a little bit. Also just kind of wanting to be on my own, I guess, and not really settle down at all… just sort of try things for me.

S: That’s very good to explore yourself and get to know your own needs and to just be with yourself and not anyone else that is judging or giving opinions on you.

L: Yeah, and I think it has been really… I don’t know, I’m only really starting in it all, I guess. I guess I wouldn’t say right now that I’m polyamorous because I’m not seeing anyone seriously. I’m still just sort of casually hanging out with people. Even just being able to openly communicate, and talk about other people that you’re seeing and it’s not an issue. I don’t have to feel like I need to hide things from people because it’s gonna like, upset them… or like, make them jealous and even if it does, you can talk about it. I feel like that’s been really refreshing, because it’s so different from anything I’m used to.

S: Yeah, I can agree. It’s way more accepting. This is what I was wondering as well, because you said you think you’re not poly because you are not really having… you didn’t really agree with someone to have that kind of relationship. But I was wondering if being poly is just a personality trait and something that you are, or if you’re only poly if you are in a poly relationship. I’m not sure about that.

L: Well I guess it’s different for different people, like I’ve seen some people talk about it more like… almost like a sexual orientation where it’s ‘this is just how I am and it can’t be changed’ and then I guess for some other people it’s more like a lifestyle choice that they make a decision to do. I don’t really know where I stand with that, I guess. I don’t really know where I am.

S: I know what you mean.

L: Because I definitely think for some people it’s just the way they are and they couldn’t be in a monogamous relationship because it just doesn’t work for them, like it’s not compatible. And I don’t know really where I am on that, because I feel like maybe right now I’m exploring it but then maybe in the future I could decide to be monogamous again. I guess that’s what I’m gonna find out.

S: Yes, but it’s nice to learn about it anyways.

L: Definitely.

S: Do you know people that are poly, or in poly relationships?

L: Yeah, I guess that’s what really started an interest in it, like a few years ago, meeting different people through online communities that are polyamorous. So I feel like that sort of sparked that interest, and I’m still especially close with some of those people now. Which is good, because it’s nice to be able to discuss your experiences with someone who really gets it, who is on the same level about it.

S: Yeah, that’s really nice.

L: Because they know, sort of, what you’ve been feeling.

S: I know what you mean. Also, do you have the same thing where it’s really hard to… that most problems come from each other having expectations that we cannot meet or that we never even talked about that we had them. Or we know that we have them, but we judge or be jealous of someone when that’s not correct.

L: Yeah I do feel that. I guess especially when you’re first setting boundaries and expectations with someone, it’s difficult to know exactly what you want. Like with me being really new to it and beginning to set boundaries to like, what kind of information we’re sharing with each other and how we can talk about it. But I feel like the conversations that we’re having about the issues are so much more… I don’t know, like we really can resolve… I feel like the conversations that we’re having are more healthy and productive, and we’re coming out with real solutions after we’ve talked about it, rather than just having an argument about something where like, nothing is really resolved.

S: Yeah, an argument and then afterwards nothing changed.

L: I feel like it’s now more, it feels just like we can really openly discuss things. And I guess, it’s still a learning process in being able to communicate but, it’s good to be able to set boundaries but not restrictions on each other. Being able to say that I have these feelings but that’s not wanting to restrict you, it’s just like… we can talk about it.

S: Yes, it’s an experience.

L: Yeah I really like it, it’s nice and refreshing.

S: Yeah, I agree, I agree. But the book that I’m reading is also talking a lot about communication and how to own your feelings, and how difficult it can be. I see it in myself that I have a lot of difficulties with being open and communicative, and to recognise the feelings and to explain them to someone without the people being upset. Because you’re just wanting to express yourself, not to restrict yourself or the other person, or to upset them.

L: I think I’ve had that a lot as well, I guess, especially when I first started seeing someone else and I’ve been seeing [two different people at once]. I guess, when we first set that boundary that we would like to know if we’re going on dates with other people. And that felt kind of like, oh gosh, I don’t wanna upset you. But it is really the opposite, like I feel like the only times when I’ve actually been upset have been when it feels like information was kept from me.

S: Yeah, oh yeah.

L: So if you are just open and you’re honest, like, I think it really gets rid of a lot of the issues – at least for me. But I guess it is depending on different people, I don’t think I’m a particularly jealous person to begin with. Even in monogamous relationships, I never really got that sort of intense monogamous jealousy thing that some people have.

S: Oh, I did have that a little bit [laughs]

L: I think it’s natural to have jealous feelings, like I’m not saying I never feel jealous because obviously everyone does.

S: Yeah, it’s more insecurity than being jealous.

L: Yeah, yeah, you wanna feel secure with someone. And I think that’s something that is ongoing conversations in poly, just about making the other person secure. I don’t know, it’s a learning process.

S: [laughs] It is, it is.