welcome to the poly zone

welcome to the poly zone

by livvy mitchell
+
savanna
van der mij

we wanted to do this project to make a space for non-monogamous experiences and narratives. there is so much stigma in society surrounding these non-traditional relationships that it is hard to find stories like this that are made by and for non-monogamous people. we wanted to bring up the topic to break the taboo and bring it into a space for open conversation, using this space also for self-expression of our own experiences. in the general reading text 'solidary mapping', we learnt that maps can be used 'as a tool for resistance, maps attack (hegemonic) interests, stories and perspectives' (Hirschmann, Kiczka and Ledermann, 2013) which is what our map really ended up becoming for us - a way to offer an alternative perspective that isn't considered 'the norm'

our goal was to create a map of all of these various experiences of these bodies, so it can be shown how different and individual every person's opinions and feelings are, despite them all being united by one shared experience - non-monogamy. we hope it sheds some light onto this way of life, and gives a perspective that many people may have never heard before. from reading 'collaborative cartography in defense of the commons' in the general reading, we got interested in the idea of 'the strength of collaborative work' (GeoComunes, n.d.) and it became really important to use the interviewing process as a method of collaboration to put this project together.

when we first started exploring in this project, i made some mind maps and notes about the specific things i was interested in. i had a lot of different thoughts on the topic, so it was really important for us to come together and discuss what we wanted the map to consist of.

after discussing the project, we did more research and found articles and podcasts that were relevant to our topic. this helped make the goal of our project more clear because there is so much stigma surrounding non-monogamy. since we are both new to having relationships like this, we wanted to discuss our own thoughts and experiences, and make this sort of open conversation that exists within polyamory (we believe) a big part of our project.

after doing our research we had more to discuss, and we had come to the idea of interviewing other people with any kind of experience with non-monogamy about their experiences and about any stigma that they have observed. this was important to us because every person's experience is different, so we couldn't possibly act like we have all of the information on the topic just by ourselves. we wanted to show how diverse this relationship style is, and this became a really important aspect of our project. we found a really great visual diagram online that expresses this idea really well:

Created by: Franklin Veaux

to begin exploring what specific questions we wanted to ask people in our interviews, we had a video call where we discussed a bit of our thoughts and our personal experiences with polyamory/non-monogamy. it was really interesting to be able to have a open discussion about something that can be really personal and intimate for people. we didn't know each other before we started the project, and afterwards i think we understood a lot more about each other.

this conversation was documented as part of a small map we made as an exercise for class:

i think the map exercise also really helped us figure out the things we had in common with our goals for the project, and further than that, the kind of things that we value about non-monogamy in our own lives. in our own relationships, we think honesty and truth is maybe the most important aspect. in non-monogamy, trust is so vital to have, and only through honesty can trust be achieved.

the map exercise led to me creating a more focused mind map specifically about boundaries and expectations in polyamorous relationships, based on our body maps and the conversations that we had been having.

livvy notes

livvy notes

the ethical slut

by dossie easton and janet hardy

when savanna told me she was reading the book, i decided to get a copy for myself, i was so interested in the topics and how it might make communication in polyamory even more satisfying for me. i have only read a few chapters, but there are some interesting ideas about love and relationships that i like.

a lot of my knowledge and coping skills about non-monogamy, i achieved through reading this book. that is why we think it is important to show and mention it and give it proper credit.

i am half way through the book and i have cried for five times already. because it felt like finally people understood me and my desires. to get answers to questions i did not even knew i had.

it has diverse talks about many different aspects of non-monogamy. the writers try to really include everyone and is a big advocate for consent and getting rid of shame. i am now at a part where they talk about having children in non-monogamy and how to explain to them and people external of the relationship, which is interesting as it is very educating, about non-monogamous educating.

if you struggle with how to feel about love and relationships, if you feel insecure about your need and desires. or if you are generally interested in knowing more about ethical sluthood, making peace with your desires in love and ready to be confronted but also put at ease by some deep questions.this book is worth the reading.

-savanna

together we decided what questions should be included in the interviews. we had to make decisions about what topics were most of interest to the project, and what would be most intriguing to compare the responses of all of the individual people.

we decided all of the responses should be anonymous, because it gave people more of an opportunity to open up about their experiences without any fear of stigmatisation.

we decided on seven questions:

our interview questions

we felt like these questions were the best to ask because they explore the individual experience of each person, they ask for their own personal thoughts and opinions about societal stigma and their immediate surroundings with how people close to them perceive non-monogamy too.

it also explores the question of whether non-monogamy is a choice that someone makes, or whether this is inherent. we thought it would be interesting to compare how different answers might be coming from people with different experiences in non-traditional relationships, as well as just different life experiences and cultural surroundings.

following the making of this mind map i felt like i wanted to explore my own feelings on the topic creatively.

as an illustrator, i mostly work with collage and i find this to be a really satisfying way to bring lots of different ideas or imagery together as one form. i also have a real interest in creative writing so i decided to put these things together in my work for this project.

i felt like this was a good medium of expressing my own voice in this project. i have a lot of new emotions and opinions to express, both on how my own relationships are functioning in non-monogamy, and also about how society views it. i think it really is a political statement to live in a way that you want to live, despite any stigma or backlash you may receive because of it.

livvy collage

what should we ask?

what should we ask?

the interviews

the interviews

the thing that i have found most rewarding about this project was being able to have these open discussions with people about love and relationships. it has been amazing to see how diverse everyone's experiences are, while still being able to find commonalities between emotions we have felt and things we have been through. i learnt a lot about other people, and it made me realise how truly individual all of our different non-monogamous relationships are. before carrying out the interviews, i didn't know how varied people's answers could be, and it has really proven to me how vast and heterogeneous these experiences are.

the main goal of the interviewing process has been to create a platform for the narratives and various perspectives of people with non-monogamous experiences.

we feel that this website can serve as not only a safe space for non-monogamous people to see their experiences represented and find common ground with others, but also as a space for other people to be educated on relationship perspectives different from their own. we hope it can be a tool for encouraging acceptance and understanding.

bodies in non-traditional relationships

answering
our own questions

own

we felt that it was important in this project, as we are examining our own bodily experience as well as those of others, to answer the same questions that we have posed to others.

1. Can you tell me something you are passionate about?


2. What experience do you have with non-monogamy?
















3. How were you introduced to non-monogamy?

livvy

livvy

20, they/he

I am passionate about illustration, DJing, veganism and transfeminism.




This year was when I started exploring non-monogamy for the first time. After being in different monogamous relationships for years and having thoughts about pursuing polyamory, I am finally doing it. Part of the reason why my last relationship ended was because I wanted to explore non-monogamy and it wasn’t a possibility with the person I was with. I had to compromise on my own desires for a long time, but I knew that eventually it’s something I wanted to try. What was most important for me coming out of that relationship was my independence and freedom, and wanting to learn the skills to rely on myself and my own body – no one else. I think dating in a non-monogamous way has taken off a lot of the pressure that can be felt in a monogamous relationship when you’re trying to figure out ‘what are we?’. The communication between me and the person I’m dating is always open and honest, and we know exactly what to expect from each other. We both came into it with no prior experience with polyamory, just a passion for trying it out, and it has been really great to be on this journey with someone and learning together.




About four years ago was when I met some actual poly people online and had close friendships with them, so that was when I had seen positive representations of non-monogamy and started thinking about whether it was something I wanted for myself too. I think in these online circles for LGBTQ+ and mental illness support, these issues can overlap together and for me I think that embracing my own queerness brought me closer to polyamory, as I was learning more about myself and what I wanted.







I think it can be both things for different people. For me, it feels like something I’m trying out right now and I don’t know how I’m going to feel in the future until I’ve experienced it. I think for a lot of people, it’s inherent, and they can’t see themselves being happy in a monogamous relationship. For others, I suppose they could go either way and it’s fine. Some people can only be in monogamous relationships. I think maybe we would be able to understand this much better if there was more acceptance on non-monogamy, and people didn’t see monogamy as the only option. We are raised in a society that gives us the idea that being with one other person is the only true, dedicated love, and I think a lot of people are so indoctrinated by that idea that they don’t give it a second thought. The amount of people that instantly say ‘I couldn’t do it’ to me when discussing polyamory makes me think that it’s a lot more of a taught behaviour than people like to make out. Of course, some people really couldn’t do non-monogamy and they’re allowed to do whatever they like, but I wonder how many might be more open to experimenting with it if they hadn’t been taught such rigid rules about monogamy.

4. How do you think society as a whole views non-monogamous relationships?















5. How do you think your friends / family would react to you pursuing non-monogamy?













6. How did (if they did) your experiences with non-monogamy influence your ideas about love, sex and relationships?

I think people have developed skewed ideas of what non-monogamy looks like because of the rise in some representation of polyamorous relationships in media. It’s sensationalised in reality TV, and I find the focus on poly triads to just be a product of what sells, rather than the realities of polyamorous people’s lives. I think a lot of monogamous people would think polyamory is mostly referring to three person couples (or thruples), when actually I would say they are pretty rare in the community compared to other non-monogamous relationship styles. I think because it is a bit of a taboo topic, people like to gawk and know intimate details about our lives and bodies. I think this media representation is really a double-edged sword in that way, because I think if it’s spreading misinformation, it can actually be detrimental to achieving acceptance in the mainstream, even if it might be providing visibility.




My close friends are all really accepting, I never had to feel like I couldn’t talk to them about my poly life because I knew that they would support me and not judge me. Although, sometimes I think it can be a bit difficult talking to your monogamous friends about dating issues, because they find it hard to put themselves in your shoes I guess. I think they can find it hard to relate to how I feel and what dating multiple people is like. No one in my family knows, but I don’t really see it as something that is relevant to bring up unless I really needed to. I’m not really sure how my mum would react, she is always accepting of me but she can also have traditional values about relationships and I don’t know what she thinks about non-monogamy particularly.





In my non-monogamous relationship, we communicate more productively and effectively than I ever have in any monogamous relationship. There is no judgement and worry about what topics we can discuss with each other, because everything is out on the table. I’ve learnt to analyse my feelings more, and see that any insecurity and jealousy comes from within myself and isn’t to be blamed on anyone else. Of course, they are natural emotions, and whenever I do feel them then I can go and discuss them with my partner. Before I ever experienced polyamory, I did worry that jealousy would be a big issue for me, but when my partner started dating someone else I actually felt a lot of excitement for him in the same way I would for a friend. I now actually chat with her every day and we get on well, which is so incredible to me and something I couldn’t have ever imagined doing before. Talking with each other has given me more security because no one is hiding anything and we can speak really candidly together. I always remember that the relationships we have are completely separate from each other, and what we have together isn’t changed by anything else. I think that’s more security than I ever had in a monogamous relationship.

7. Do you think non-monogamy is something inherent (as in, the desire comes from within and can not be changed) or rather something you choose to pursue?

savanna

savanna

the ethical slut

i thought it was important to document the journey of this project in the map, because i think it shows how we came to the final aim of our map more than just seeing the final product of the interviews and the art created.

the continuing discussion about our experiences and those of others, in order to find out what we wanted this map to achieve, is what has made this a safe space for us and hopefully to other non-monogamous people.




the interviews became the central point of this map because we thought the experiences of these individuals were the most important focus of the project. these testimonies show the diversity that exists within non-monogamous relationships and the people who have them. while there are commonalities in the experiences of the interview participants, every one has their own opinions and feelings on the topic, and that was really interesting for us to learn. i think having this archive of experiences on the website is the most important aspect of the poly zone.

this space is, above anything else,
a safe space for

narratives

non-monogamous

this space is, above anything else,
a safe space for

narratives

non-monogamous

what should we ask?

15/05/2020

i enjoyed answering the questions for myself, because it gave me an opportunity to be really reflective about my own experiences, and what i've learnt already from exploring non-monogamy for myself.

i think one of the most healing things to me me about this relationship style has been the conscious effort to continuously self reflect and think about what i want as a person, and what i expect all the relationship with someone else.

this project has been really important to me because it has given me the opportunity to discuss in my own opinions and thoughts on the topic, with others who can relate and empathise with my experience. this isn't always something i would get an opportunity to do with such openness and vulnerability, and i'm thankful for being given the opportunity to learn about these people's lives.

you can explore this map at your own leisure, scrolling through the visuals and text on this page, or clicking through the links to find other pages on the website, that can provide more information or insight on the production of this project.

bibliography

here is a list of sources for all of the research and further reading that went into producing this map.

1. Barker, M., 2005. On tops, bottoms and ethical sluts: The place of BDSM and polyamory in lesbian and gay psychology. Lesbian and Gay Psychology Review, 6(2), pp.124-129.

2. Barker, M., 2012. Rewriting the rules: An integrative guide to love, sex and relationships. Routledge.

3. De Poly Podcast, 2019. Felix Over Polyamorie In Het Algemeen. [podcast] De Poly Podcast. Available at: https://open.spotify.com/show/0rj8I3kaIkvO9V6jMhyOcS [Accessed 15 May 2020].

4. GeoComunes, n.d. Collaborative Cartography In Defense Of The Commons. Counter-Cartographies Tie Networks. GeoComunes, p.99.

5. Hardy, J.W. and Easton, D., 2017. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love. Berkley.

6. Hirschmann, A., Kiczka, R. and Ledermann, F., 2013. A Guideline for Solidary Mapping. How to become an Occasional Cartographer?, p.206.

7. Jamieson, L., 2004. Intimacy, negotiated non-monogamy and the limits of the couple. The state of affairs: Explorations in infidelity and commitment, pp.35-57.

8. Kegu, J. and Silverstein, J., 2019. Not Just "One Big Orgy": Fighting The Stigma Of Consensual Non-Monogamy. [online] Cbsnews.com. Available at: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/polyamory-relationships-not-just-one-big-orgy-stigma-of-consensual-non-monogamy-cbsn-originals/?fbclid=IwAR3KvsIEJHefKkNDdy_m8-umIuV10ieT5S8k76MhIy5CWmTlAmBLsF7Gs2I [Accessed 15 May 2020].

9. Lehmiller, J., 2017. Polyamorists Are Secretive, Stigmatized, And Highly Satisfied. [online] Vice.com. Available at: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/43y4kd/polyamorists-are-secretive-stigmatized-and-highly-satisfied [Accessed 15 May 2020].

10. Matik, W.O., 2002. Redefining our relationships: Guidelines for responsible open relationships. Defiant Times Press.

11. McLean, K., 2004. Negotiating (non) monogamy: Bisexuality and intimate relationships. Journal of Bisexuality, 4(1-2), pp.83-97.

12. McKelvey, C., 2017. Is Relationship Anarchy The Future Of Polyamory?. [online] Vice.com. Available at: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/8qbnd5/is-relationship-anarchy-the-future-of-polyamory [Accessed 15 May 2020].

13. Multiamory Podcast, 2019. 217. [podcast] Commitment in Non-Monogamy. Available at: [Accessed 15 May 2020].

14. Park, W., 2020. The People Redefining Faithfulness. [online] bbc.com. Available at: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200320-why-people-can-love-more-than-one-person?fbclid=IwAR0era-ZCNV_gQZHTv4Ba-phe3DWPAQhFLFgzqkjCHCzdVRLN2Y4XT3OCMc [Accessed 15 May 2020].

15. Poly in the Cities, 2016. Making The Choice To Be Monogamous. [podcast] Poly in the Cities. Available at: https://polyinthecities.com/2016/02/28/episode-35-making-the-choice-to-be-monogamous/ [Accessed 15 May 2020].

16. Song, S., 2012. Polyamory and queer anarchism: Infinite possibilities for resistance. Queering anarchism, pp.165-172.

17. Stoddard, G., 2018. How I Made Consensual Non-Monogamy Work. [online] Vice.com. Available at: [Accessed 15 May 2020].

18. Tierney, A., 2017. Why We Need To Challenge The Culture Of Monogamy. [online] Vice.com. Available at: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/bm4353/why-we-need-to-challenge-the-culture-of-monogamy [Accessed 15 May 2020].

19. Touch of Flavor. 2019. What The Heck Is Polyamory: Part 1 - What? - Touch Of Flavor. [online] Available at: [Accessed 15 May 2020].

20. Weitzman, G., Davidson, J., Phillips, R.A. and Fleckenstein, J.R., 2009. What psychology professionals should know about polyamory. National Coalition on Sexual Freedom, 7, pp.1-28.

21. Wilkinson, E., 2010. What’s queer about non-monogamy now. Understanding non-monogamies, pp.243-254.

LEGEND

22, she/her

My passion is to express myself, my emotions and externalize my inside world. I do this by writing poetry, creating various artistic things using materials depending on what I want to express. I am also passionate about educating and free-form learning. Being a highly social person, I mean learning and educating through interacting with people, making people interact and bringing people together. Mostly by experimenting and openness for any possible outcome, while learning from ''mistakes''. It has its pros and cons, as I often find myself get lost in details because I did not set a real goal.




In my past relationship, I used to have an arrangement with my (now ex) partner, I could get my kinky desires casually fulfilled by another person. At the time this did not work out. Because we were lacking communication skills and jealousy quickly became present. Cheating, lying and hiding my needs are familiar to me. Traumatic events and insecurities made me lose my mind, and still to this day make me confused sometimes. But now I know how to recognize and acknowledge certain negative emotions and the ''demonic'' desires that come along with them. I learned to poke through them, through observing them, asking myself confronting questions and talking about it to people I trust. And having them ask me confronting questions too. Right now I am experiencing love in a non-monogamous way. I have not labelled any of my connections yet, but I am in love with a human, and I love another beautiful human. I know I have a lot of love to give, I know how I love variety and to learn and grow through and with different people, no matter how they look or what they label themselves as.



When I was a two years old, my parents divorced. Later in my childhood my younger sister and me spend every second weekend with my dad. This usually was a lot of fun as he did not saw us too often so he made sure to make it a special time. At the time he was spending a lot of time at another family, to which he used to bring us along with on some of those weekends. We had a lot of fun there with all the other kids which we called ''the boys and the girls'', there were four other kids. We slept together and watched cartoons until midnight. My dad went into the bedroom with the parent couple sometimes. What I now know, he had some kind of relationship/arrangement with them.

Later in life I started to explore ''my grown-up desires'', I went to some kink friendly meet-ups and met people who were actively pursuing non-monogamy. Ever since I have been trying to pursue this way of loving.

4. How do you think society as a whole views non-monogamous relationships?















5. How do you think your friends / family would react to you pursuing non-monogamy?











6. How did (if they did) your experiences with non-monogamy influence your ideas about love, sex and relationships?














7. Do you think non-monogamy is something inherent (as in, the desire comes from within and can not be changed) or rather something you choose to pursue?

The fact that there is a view, bugs me from the start. People judge, because this way of loving does not fit the imprinted picture of what love is supposed to look like. And it can be confusing and scary, for it challenges everything about love that you are familiar with, it challenges everything that you learned from generations before you. But what if you open your mind to it, accept the risk of having to rearrange your standards and views on love. If you seek to understand, instead of to react. In an attempt to learn something new, maybe even implement them into your own life if you decide to do so. What other people think of you, is none of your business. And the other way around. You should do what you want, what you desire from this life that only you have. The important thing here is that you enjoy it, while always remembering to not harm others within the process. And judging others can be harmful too.




Most of my close friends and family know me well enough to see no harm in my behaviour. I do what I do anyways. And I try to not accept them judging me. But rather encouraging them to put that energy into something valuable for them instead of losing it on something they don't have anything to say about. Of course my first reaction is to listen and respect their opinions. I will always try to understand them and their view rather than judging them. Practice what you preach, right? In the end it will always be my decision to organize my life in a way that makes it valuable for me. Whether I take their advice/opinions or not.

1. Can you tell me something you are passionate about?











2. What experience do you have with non-monogamy?


















3. How were you introduced to non-monogamy?

From the age of 16 to 21, I have been in a monogamous relationship. Which was challenging for me as it did not fulfil my needs. I was emotionally triggered very easily, which made me act on some very dishonest behaviour. Simply because I did not know how to handle my emotions. My view on love, sex and relationships is that everything is fine, as long as you are enjoying yourself and the people involved are too. Just do not underestimate the power and value of honesty, respect, acceptance, equality, having an open mind, seeking and giving understanding and some kind of (emotional) independence. It is very important to be your own person and to value your own needs and desires, taking them seriously before you work on fulfilling those of other people. You cannot give out of an empty cup.







I am not sure, as I can only speak for myself. I am no psychologist and have not talked to everyone. But I do have some idea. I think most people can be capable of doing it, but non-monogamous relationships as for any relationship takes time, energy and a lot of internal work, to make them work in a way you and the involved people can enjoy it to the maximum. There will be many challenges, but with more people than yourself involved, more people than yourself and one other person involved, there just is more work. With everyone having their own trauma's, insecurities and way of experiencing life, you have a lot more to take into account.

But when not given into fear, when being okay with confrontation, taking the risk of getting hurt by emotionally triggering events. When you are aware of the fact that other peoples (emotional) reactions do almost never happen because of you or to you, the reactions rather happen in front of you. When all people involved take responsibility for their own feelings and reactions and are honest about them and again seek to understand and take action according to that, to help evolve the relationships and the individuals: At that point these ways of loving can be of high value to everyone involved and can make anyone grow and experience love in a way they desire.

it is very easy for me to avoid these kind of difficult topics. and to fall back into old patterns of not being honest and not standing up for my own desires and needs.

and it is really hard, in theory you see i can speak about it easily but practising it is difficult.

i am grateful for this project and having the opportunity to answer these questions and figuring out black on white, how i am viewing this concept of non-monogamy.

hopefully this gets easier along the way.

a poem about intimacy in the context of quarantine by livvy

the need for self-isolation has really made my new journey with polyamory difficult to navigate. without the possibility to connect physically with others - only being able to communicate in a virtual space - has been incredibly isolating for me.

for me and many others, physical interaction is just as important to a relationship as being able to talk. touch starvation has affected me in a big way, and that longing translated into this poem

for people who have so much love to give, who get their energy from others, this time has been a massive challenge.